PARALYSIS

I made many life-changing decisions in the past couple of days, the brick that was planted on my back was breaking my back in half, I could not hold on anymore. I just couldn’t, I couldn’t. But before anything else I say, Life…..it’s beautiful; it’s truly amazingly beautiful. And for the past two years I knew how beautiful it was at its best and that’s how it should always be. I fell weak, I lost. And as I let that brick fall from my back because I couldn’t handle it, it hurt others, deeply. I fell to the pressures (the brick) that stated “Love and faith can’t prevail with me around, but know that when you let me go, when I fall, you and those you love, will suffer the consequences” It was real, life had become so real and I recognize it now. I feel paralysis.
I’ve lost my love and partner, I lost myself, people are losing all around and my daughters Alexa and Eliana have now called for help like never before. I’ve arranged counseling to help us heal from our wounds and troubles.  I’ve never in my life experienced so much challenge all at once in less than a week.  I never in my life thought I would see my daughter Alexa in so much pain. I thought we would be ok, I thought I would be safe, but I was left alone to deal and it broke my heart and my back in half. I truly wish I could’ve just made my back stronger and deal with the circumstances without expecting the hands of love. But I was tested to my limits. I broke
             I was at UCSD recently, for a friend who was killed Monday Oct 1st, 2012. I sat inside a room full of friends including the most amazing people from OASIS, Agustin, Maya, Antoinette, Patrick, Josue. Melissa, (people that I’ve spilled my heart to and know what I’ve gone and continue to go through) peers and people that loved Julio Alcantar. Julio was a hero to many, a big teddy bear, a shining light of hope. I sat there listening to everybody share a story. I finally spoke close to the end and shared how life can sometimes be so unfair. Julio didn’t want his life to be taken away. He didn’t ask to die, he wanted to fulfill his dreams. But his dreams were paralyzed. We all cried together, cried about the situation, cried about our own situation, related, how different yet so similar.
I can’t relate to Julio’s situation directly because I am very lucky to be alive today, but this week has taught me that sometimes being alive can feel like death and people I love can be taken away in less than a day. And it makes me angry because I wish I knew why life can be so beautiful yet be so unfair. I pray for Julio, for my friends, for my daughters, for my love. But I cry, I’ve been crying a lot this week, I choose to cry because its not just about me, I cry because my heart hurts. I never wanted to go this way at all, at all, at all. I just intended to love and fulfill goals and dreams, to not fail. I know inside my heart that I am fucking strong, that I can love deeply, care deeply, listen deeply. But dammit, I just wish life, I just wish life could be just a little, bit more simpler. I just wish could be, just a little bit, more beautiful.