Wednesday, October 3, 2012


I made many life-changing decisions in the past couple of days, the brick that was planted on my back was breaking my back in half, I could not hold on anymore. I just couldn’t, I couldn’t. But before anything else I say, Life…’s beautiful; it’s truly amazingly beautiful. And for the past two years I knew how beautiful it was at its best and that’s how it should always be. I fell weak, I lost. And as I let that brick fall from my back because I couldn’t handle it, it hurt others, deeply. I fell to the pressures (the brick) that stated “Love and faith can’t prevail with me around, but know that when you let me go, when I fall, you and those you love, will suffer the consequences” It was real, life had become so real and I recognize it now. I feel paralysis.
I’ve lost my love and partner, I lost myself, people are losing all around and my daughters Alexa and Eliana have now called for help like never before. I’ve arranged counseling to help us heal from our wounds and troubles.  I’ve never in my life experienced so much challenge all at once in less than a week.  I never in my life thought I would see my daughter Alexa in so much pain. I thought we would be ok, I thought I would be safe, but I was left alone to deal and it broke my heart and my back in half. I truly wish I could’ve just made my back stronger and deal with the circumstances without expecting the hands of love. But I was tested to my limits. I broke
             I was at UCSD recently, for a friend who was killed Monday Oct 1st, 2012. I sat inside a room full of friends including the most amazing people from OASIS, Agustin, Maya, Antoinette, Patrick, Josue. Melissa, (people that I’ve spilled my heart to and know what I’ve gone and continue to go through) peers and people that loved Julio Alcantar. Julio was a hero to many, a big teddy bear, a shining light of hope. I sat there listening to everybody share a story. I finally spoke close to the end and shared how life can sometimes be so unfair. Julio didn’t want his life to be taken away. He didn’t ask to die, he wanted to fulfill his dreams. But his dreams were paralyzed. We all cried together, cried about the situation, cried about our own situation, related, how different yet so similar.
I can’t relate to Julio’s situation directly because I am very lucky to be alive today, but this week has taught me that sometimes being alive can feel like death and people I love can be taken away in less than a day. And it makes me angry because I wish I knew why life can be so beautiful yet be so unfair. I pray for Julio, for my friends, for my daughters, for my love. But I cry, I’ve been crying a lot this week, I choose to cry because its not just about me, I cry because my heart hurts. I never wanted to go this way at all, at all, at all. I just intended to love and fulfill goals and dreams, to not fail. I know inside my heart that I am fucking strong, that I can love deeply, care deeply, listen deeply. But dammit, I just wish life, I just wish life could be just a little, bit more simpler. I just wish could be, just a little bit, more beautiful.


  1. It is all a part of your story, and there are parts of every story when you want to tell the narrator, the main character, the villain, or anybody who will listen that they are being ridiculous or that you have had all you can handle, but we're just the reader... and all we can do is react and participate to our best ability. You are participating in a life that is laid out for you and reacting and doing the best you can for the people you love. It is honorable, admirable, and all that can be asked of you. Keep holding on.

  2. I am so sorry.. just try to be positive, i know is hard and unfair but we have to be strong.

  3. Jorge

      I hope that morale is better, I am sending you good vibes so that we give back your smile madness in your videos is Jorge I do not know your history ... I agree with you it is true that life can be unfair and not easy to live with, it is not always understood by those around us as often concerns the lives of everyone we attrappent to turn my heart is sad reading all your suffering Jorge and that of your children.

    I pray that God intervene and bless BYou to finally know true happiness as you say so while nousaen each have the right and the will to live happy and to have a share of this sweet hidden boheur is healthy love and life in it même.Les USA were affected by too much killing in so little time so my heart December 21 pray God your scar souffrancespar esprit.Jorge his love and you have my support and despite the barrier the language of the heart allows us to be able to broken links and fell to the borders!

    sincerely Cyril