PARALYSIS

I made many life-changing decisions in the past couple of days, the brick that was planted on my back was breaking my back in half, I could not hold on anymore. I just couldn’t, I couldn’t. But before anything else I say, Life…..it’s beautiful; it’s truly amazingly beautiful. And for the past two years I knew how beautiful it was at its best and that’s how it should always be. I fell weak, I lost. And as I let that brick fall from my back because I couldn’t handle it, it hurt others, deeply. I fell to the pressures (the brick) that stated “Love and faith can’t prevail with me around, but know that when you let me go, when I fall, you and those you love, will suffer the consequences” It was real, life had become so real and I recognize it now. I feel paralysis.
I’ve lost my love and partner, I lost myself, people are losing all around and my daughters Alexa and Eliana have now called for help like never before. I’ve arranged counseling to help us heal from our wounds and troubles.  I’ve never in my life experienced so much challenge all at once in less than a week.  I never in my life thought I would see my daughter Alexa in so much pain. I thought we would be ok, I thought I would be safe, but I was left alone to deal and it broke my heart and my back in half. I truly wish I could’ve just made my back stronger and deal with the circumstances without expecting the hands of love. But I was tested to my limits. I broke
             I was at UCSD recently, for a friend who was killed Monday Oct 1st, 2012. I sat inside a room full of friends including the most amazing people from OASIS, Agustin, Maya, Antoinette, Patrick, Josue. Melissa, (people that I’ve spilled my heart to and know what I’ve gone and continue to go through) peers and people that loved Julio Alcantar. Julio was a hero to many, a big teddy bear, a shining light of hope. I sat there listening to everybody share a story. I finally spoke close to the end and shared how life can sometimes be so unfair. Julio didn’t want his life to be taken away. He didn’t ask to die, he wanted to fulfill his dreams. But his dreams were paralyzed. We all cried together, cried about the situation, cried about our own situation, related, how different yet so similar.
I can’t relate to Julio’s situation directly because I am very lucky to be alive today, but this week has taught me that sometimes being alive can feel like death and people I love can be taken away in less than a day. And it makes me angry because I wish I knew why life can be so beautiful yet be so unfair. I pray for Julio, for my friends, for my daughters, for my love. But I cry, I’ve been crying a lot this week, I choose to cry because its not just about me, I cry because my heart hurts. I never wanted to go this way at all, at all, at all. I just intended to love and fulfill goals and dreams, to not fail. I know inside my heart that I am fucking strong, that I can love deeply, care deeply, listen deeply. But dammit, I just wish life, I just wish life could be just a little, bit more simpler. I just wish could be, just a little bit, more beautiful.

My heartbeat slows down. It's bedtime. I begin with song. They listen and the music, the strings fill the room. I'm singing "Breathe Me", I ask what this song means to them both. Alexa says, "I, am free Dad". Eliana peacefully falls asleep. I react to both with a crying smile. If only they knew how emotionally difficult it has been recently. Heavy heart, bedridden, thoughtful, quiet, alone. The music continues to fill the room, this is where I love to be, a moment. Where our hearts, like a Star Gazer, open up and allows flowing peace to come inside. I love this deeply.

"Heart is Where the Home is"

Thought I’d write some poetry

By Jorge Narvaez

I’d like to welcome you to my heart. Inside it’s furnished, utility bills are taken care of, there’s food to keep you strong and healthy, you can stay here all you want. Pets are welcome. I will never charge you for rent. I will always make you feel welcome. I only ask for you to keep it clean and take good care of it.There have been previous tenants who have left their belongings behind, but please don’t mind them. My heart has survived more attacks than you can think of. But if anything they’ve made the foundations stronger, sturdier and healthier. A rich and beautiful history too!. Oh and take a look at my two new books, one is titled “7” and the other one is “3”, very good reads! Be careful when moving around the furniture. Past tenants have moved it around when they get bored or feel the need to change the heart, when in the end they never really needed to. You might rip the carpet and it will scar forever so be careful if you do move things around. This is your home, a warm place where you can rest, where you’re sure to be taken care of. This place can be yours as long as you’d like. Preferably you choose the long term lease. It has a lot to offer you so please love with passion and without limits. Don’t be afraid, it beats only for you. Now, would you like the keys to my heart?

“You can’t let others dictate your life, eventually you will realize that you can’t live your life pleasing others because at the end of the day, what you’re doing is going to even benefit them whether they acknowledge, accept it, receive it or not. Seriously, we ALL mess up in life, its about moving on! It’s not easy, ever! But we can’t lose sight of our goals! Even when there is happiness and a good future is surrounding them, the people that are stuck in the past will stay stuck in the past and there is nothing YOU can do about it until they choose themselves. You are not Superman. God knows that I am forever thankful for those in my past, present and future, but not forever in their debt. I have truly changed from the man that I was, too busy in school, hanging out with friends, always in my own world etc…But I am grateful to have become a better father, man and person that I was. I have to start looking at that brighter side because I have come far and that is what’s important and I’m proud of it! I’ve always done everything with the heart in mind, always. I need to stop beating myself up for everything I don’t do. I need to stop being afraid. I deserve to be happy! I know it and I can feel it inside. Live the questions now; for these fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasures" - JNGA